Weak

“We must learn by experience to avoid either trains of thought or social situations which for us (not necessarily for everyone) lead to temptations. Like motoring—don’t wait till the last moment before you put on the brakes but put them on, gently and quietly, while the danger is still a good way off.”  C.S. Lewis

I'm weak.

Like....weak, broken, strained...weak.

Nothing feels better than to know this.  Really.

To totally and fully understand how useless I am makes things better. Makes me hope. Makes me stop when I think I'm strong. Makes me know without Christ - I'm crap. Even with him I'm crap, but He deals with it and makes things new. 

Every. Single. Day. We are led to be strong, but only in Christ.

These past few weeks of training leading into the biggest race of my life has me fighting hours of time training. So as a result I think. Maybe too much?? 

I've traded big days of music and podcasts with foot strikes, pedal strokes, and my voice.  Within this "noise " thoughts and feelings unrelated to training assault me throughout-again, usually happens as a result of big training week, after big training week. Like going crazy.  I rather enjoy it in a selfish way. It get's hazy... peeling layers of big days back I think strange things.

My video blog has taken over the last posts and I thought writing one again would be good.  The next will include my family-the Ultraman Hawaii World Champinship crew, just thought this post I would just share a few thoughts.

Note**Training as a whole is on target.  There have been a few dips but for the majority of the past big block, I'm happy and excited that things are on task. Really, really stoked. Chris has kept me on track.

Still finalizing the details and getting things set for travel to Hawaii. I feel blessed to have some amazing sponsors helping me. Vuelta - YOU ARE incredible! Thank you so very much. RYU - YOU ARE incredible!  Thank you so much. RYU is getting new product ready and are very busy yet they still take an interest in me. Vuelta has a ton going on but still find time to encourage and support. 

The Ameena Project continues to work in Kenya. I'm learning more about incredible opportunity and will be digging in deep with them leading into the new year with plans of doing all that I can to support a desire to make enormous change with little steps. The fund raiser with Chris Lieto and More Than Sport is a go, I'll be seeing Chris in Kona. Looking forward to that. MTS new website is close...should be good.

I've been reflecting a lot about my development as an athlete these past few weeks while training, actually...today is my 7 year anniversary of my first Ironman - Florida, 2006, and in 25 days I'll be racing at the Ultraman World Championships.  So cool. This has been on my mind a lot and I looked back on all that I have learned.  More importantly all I have still to learn.

As in sport  I'm led to draw similarities to my life-specifically, my walk with Jesus. I find it easy to do this during big days. Reflecting on what I've been reading, studying,  sermons I have been listening to. I have grown closer to God, better to say I've felt Him changing me. My heart, my thoughts, my language, actions, hopes, desires...everything. Yes I blow it. Yes I get frustrated, say something dumb, think something wrong, act like an idiot...sin. But I "Walk in the word", and feel the weeds pulled. Constantly.

Last week I had a big day and thought throughout about all the things I've become as an athlete-all the changes and adjustments. The stuff I thought was right that was not. Pitfalls, pressures, and pride. Ego. Who I was, who I am, who I can be.  It's not pretty all the time believe me.  So, as I often do... I picked five, made a list and reflected.

1. I've grown more patient. 
Don't ask Rhonda about this-but, it's true.  As an athlete I have to be patient. Waiting is hard, but patience is a must. Especially when I look at my training for months on end before the race. I've got no choice but to be patient. It's still hard.

2. Nutrition
More common sense than I've made it the past. I've worked hard on this. I see the pitfalls of even the best of my intentions that result in horrible results. 

3.Listen+apply
I've learned to apply what my body is telling me-not just listening to it.  Like nutrition-rest, recovery, injury all involves paying attention.  I've 'heard/felt' something-and ignored it. I hope to get better in this also-it's a daily battle.

4. Focus 
During workouts I focus better. It is key for me to engage every second I am preparing.  I've sometimes just gone through the motions to 'get it done', and it feels like I kinda wasted time.  This is in part do to number 1, 2 and 3.

5. Acceptance
Accept with a smile who I'm not.  This also is hard for me.  Be it insecurity or whatever-I have become a bit more comfortable in my athletic skin. I've wished, or caught myself thinking things like..."If I had what he had, a bit taller, leaner, bigger...." Whatever...it's useless.  Instead I found out at Ultraman Canada my weakness, or what I think is-can be used as a tool. The flaws and firing of who I am.

It's good to reflect and take stock of growth. More about just loading the gun so when it starts to hurt you can recall the work, and result of it to help motivate... shoot down the fear creeping in. Looking back at all I have done to get to the point I am at sometimes doubt still wants in-but I refuse. Like Crowie does before a big race-recalling the notes in his diary for encouragement.

Naturally I also started to think about my relationship with Jesus, and how God is continually digging around, reworking, replanting, replacing my old self-the old skin. It's not my work that results in substantial change. I'm not religiously checking boxes to be better, or  finding ways to clean myself up. Refer to the opening paragraph about weakness and how much I suck. These thoughts were the particular result of a long day and talking to myself I thought of things that used to be a part of me-that are now not. The result of allowing fruit to grow.  Not because I'm awesome-but because God is, and he loves me enough to cause discomfort that brings change and allows me to reflect his glory. These 5 things hit me hard and I thank you Jesus for doing surgery.

1. My mouth.

No way....NO way is this fixed, but, my desire to use what I have been given to glorify Him is a true desire. No I don't swear,  use foul language--many reasons for that really. Most are just common sense. But-I used to years ago. It was fueled by fear, anger--you name it. I don't use my mouth to tear down my family-yell at my kids or Rhonda. Believe me-when I am tired and cranky this is a trap for me. Yes,  Unfortunatlly I still catch my self all the time thinking..."Why did I just say that?" Or, "Ok-I'm an idiot, I should not have said that". I'm thankful this has changed and continues to.  Believe me - It's an ONGOING process.  Just looking at the difference in direction,  putting the rudder of the ship in the right place, is encouraging.

2. My heart.

Same.  I've never understood the whole "It's cool... He's got a good heart deep down". Yeah, good motives, good thoughts and intent..fine. But the heart is different.  I believe what the Bible says in Mark about our heart being evil.  I know God wants my heart, my soul. My human heart if left to me is deceitful-it just is. It's hard to understand sometimes. Ian my son has helped me with this.

3. Attitude

This is a tricky one, because... for reasons sometimes unknown, my attitude will suck. (Refer to number 2) Rhonda calls me on it-so will Ev and Ian.  But... again, my attitude in Christ is what I rely on. Like reflecting on my athletic life, my attitude has changed.Evelyn is my example here too.

4. Desire(s)

This my be the biggest change in my life. Especially over the last 15 years. What I used to want, or think I used to want makes me laugh now.  Not a funny laugh either.  More embarrassing.  

5. Hardness
I've thought how training and competing has done the opposite of what I thought it would do.  It's softened me up a bit.  No, not like "I need to be tough when it hurts", but, the patience I've had to accept while training and racing kind of being soft, or flexible-is vital. Same in my walk, and life-Being a Dad, a Father, a Husband...soft is better.  That's been tougher than I have time to explain.  But the hardness of past I've just given up on.  It's too difficult-take it away. When I start to look at things religiously....it's hard. 

Review and reflection is something I will never stop doing. Not in some fruity introspective "Look into my strength, myself, and find within my power and ability to be one with me to be the best me I can be", That crap... Is crap. I've got lost and given up in trying to think my future self will be my solution.  It's not. I'm still broken and to fix me a better version of me is still me. Broken and lacking.  It's freedom to know this.  

If I lean on me....I'm in trouble. 

Next week-Video Blog.