You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
Song of Solomon 4:7
30,000 feet somewhere above Chicago...
I believe in absolute beauty.
Been thinking about this since getting picked up in Detroit by one of the greatest people in my life. Eric-feels like a brother actually, (a brother like no other. He's got soul, soul,soul sweet soul) and I love him. Eric, thank you for bending to meet me in need man. Thank you for spending your time, money, and your brilliant mind on me. Flying out to crew me in a few weeks at Ultraman Canada will be one of the best parts about the event for me and I love you. It was awesome to catch up for a day and talk about race stragety.
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| Ultraman Canada crew. Good to meet up and talk. |
Talking like I had been shot out of a cannon, as I usually do with anyone, not just Eric, we stumbled into a conversation about beauty. How it's something you know when you see it. How it's not just-subjective, but can be observed.
Example--These past few days I've been in Michigan with Rhonda and her family for a reunion on Lake Huron. I'll try to be brief...(but won't be)
I was in AWE staring at Rhonda throughout the week. In her bathing suit, sun dresses, pj's....whatever, She looked stunning. How I continue to be out done by her pure physical beauty is ground shaking. I mean it with all that I am. At 39 I feel blessed and so, so,so,so fortunate that I still get that lump in my throat, sweaty palm, butterfly in gut feeling when I'm away from her, see her in a new outfit, or just get slapped by a glance that I am frozen by. I won't even start about her soul and inside, the real amazing part..but, (transparent here)....she still rocks my world when she walks by. It's an absolute wonder and gift of God. To desire & grow with her is my only hope and goal in this life. I just love her so much. SHE is beautiful.
Ian is beauty. Stabbed in the heart of what's brewing, I saw Ian meet a friend this week and throw rocks in Lake Huron with her. It twisted my inside with excitement and sadness. He will go away someday and I quake at the thought even now. Ian again also filmed me during an open water swim in lake Huron and added a few lines of commentary that ensured he loves me as hard I as I love him. When I heard that...I heard beauty.
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| Ian will also probably kill me..but, just a cool picture. |
Evelyn is beauty. Her face when I landed in Michigan and able to catch up (my family left a few days prior), gave memories of just staring at her in her crib. She too roamed around the resort we stayed at as a woman-laughing with family, hanging out at the campfire with new friends, making me so proud. I fear the pinch of the time I hold her before she steps out also. So, so beautiful. My one and only "little".
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| My 'Little'...sleeping next to me... |
I love them all so much. The sacrifice each has made for me to get to where I am at now is an insult to even try to put into words. What they have done is beauty. Adjusting schedules, coming to the pool and watching me swim lame lap after lap. Meeting me, with fuel halfway during a run, or waiting for me to finish with a ride to eat dinner, having ice bath's ready after a big day..whatever...they do it. Even this trip, our vacation, has been a little muted with my final prep into Canada. You are all the best, and I owe you all.
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| The real Ultraman Crew.... |
Just under 4 days in Michigan was put to good use. Rhonda really ensured I did not loose any momentum and Chris worked out the training to my advantage. The long runs and bigger open water swim's built confidence and fitness. I'm foaming at the mouth to get my fresh legs on the bike and can feel the result of the big bike block I did prior to the little detour settling in. Take home point--flex.
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| Got some solid open water work done. Feels good. |
No matter what. Training around and with family is better than training through them. It just does not work.
Back to the discussion with Eric--Talking beauty. Where will I find it when I am knee deep during the Ultraman?? It's coming I know, and so is the pain, doubt, hope, fear, joy, discomfort....it's there, right now. Waiting for me.
I won't release my strategy for UM--Maybe after the race I will discuss my approach, but-the only people that really know are Chris, Rhonda, and myself. It's not tough to figure out. Swim, Bike, Run. Right?? Yes and No.
I sat at the airport today and a wave of uncertainty smashed me. Part fatigue, (part sadness that I'm leaving), I practiced working through it like I've done in races and will do in two weeks during the Ultraman.
"Ok...what is this feeling, and why is it hitting me hard right now?..I don't like this hollow sensation and worry. What can I do right now to flex? Bend? Re-set?"
Athletes have to adjust these bio-feedback signals a lot in, and out of racing. Especially during an event. If you have not been there ever-you will be. It HAS TO BE DEALT WITH AND PRACTICED BEFORE IT HAPPENS. It's like a nutrition plan, pace plan, or race plan.
Should I drink? Eat? Slow my pace? Quicken? Be thinking different thoughts? Reflect on what I did to get me ready vs.what I did not?? Know this--when your attitude changes, something is brewing. I don't just mean when you 'hurt' either. It will hurt. It should hurt. **Chris has been adamant about telling me throughout my bigger training blocks.."It should not feel good man. You are training, building, working". I'm talking about ATTITUDE and EMOTION. Putting in the practice of - suspending judgement, if that makes sense, during workout's is a great way to build this tool.
Studies have shown during endurance events, espically Ironman, many drops or massive swings in thought are related to a fueling issue. Many greats say when you feel good-eat/drink/fuel. When you don't.... eat/drink/fuel. ***I'm not talking overdoing it either. I've made that mistake too many times. I made a bad habit of getting locked "into a plan" and ignoring my body's signals. Patience is sometimes the food/fuel you should eat. Bottom line again-when something is coming...deal with it early. (I'll send out a link to a great article by Dave Scoot about this)
So...Sitting here in my terminal feeling thoughts creeping in, I shot an e-mai to Chris. Shared a few things, vented, and read his response. It worked. Had I not, it would have festered a bit and maybe grew. This is something I do with Rhonda all the time also. Many times the more prepared you feel the easier it is to have concern, or worry, because you/I/we know what work has gone into the training, and what expectations of ourselves are.
Ooops...Wandering here...that's what happens when I'm locked in a flying silver bus, jacked on coffee, and amped... "Hey..I'll just pretend I'm a 'writer'...." Not good. Plus I'm on a full plane and managed to be the only one with a row of 3 seats to my self....Talk about beauty?!?
Look....The idea behind my "beauty" thing is just this...
I feel surrounded by it, and still ignore it a lot of the time. Shame on me. Even in races where I can't think of anything...beautiful. When it is ugly, gross, painful..and just hurts, there is still beauty. Even more actually.
I know God screams it and I plug my ears. He shines it and I close my eyes. He wraps me in it and I shrug it off like a spoiled two year old refusing a nap. Many times--heck, most times, beauty is preceded by pain. Rhonda and I have had discomfort and fights, Yet, she is more beautiful than EVER, and our relationship is beautiful. Ian has driven me insane and Evelyn questioned my ability to be a good Dad, yet to find something as beautiful as two sleepy eyed kids coming down the stairs wanting me to make pancakes and eat with them is a mystery, and sheer beauty. Ironman has taken me to the rivet and made me look uglier than roadkill-yet, I've been able to help many in need with racing these events in very hard places, and I see beauty. Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior was murdered and died a horrible death-But this beauty is the most beautiful of all. Redemption=beauty. Man, what that morning must have been like when he walked out. Thank you God for all this beauty around us. Thank you for giving me the desire to worship you.
Thank you for giving me a chance to race Ultraman. It looks terrible at times to me, scary, and ugly.
But I know the beauty will be there. And...if it's not???
Rhonda, Ian, Evelyn and Eric will be waiting for me.
Beautiful.
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